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The May Salty Paws is out there whether you like it or not!
Make sure to consult your local elected officer or bartender if your panties are sufficient over them. Otherwise take a look: https://mailchi.mp/797948287b3c/the-salty-paws-may-7225678
AN APOLOGY:
For the longest time I’ve been using a feature on Mailchimp called “Resend to Non-Openers” and thought that it does just that. Instead, it sends emails to everyone in the free world like it’s a Jersey Shore spin-off.
I did not want. I’m sorry to spam you.
I didn’t say I would stop doing it. If you re-send the newsletter three times a month with a bizarre addition in the middle of the month, you’ll get pretty good results.
So don’t be angry with me. Just ignore / delete those annoying retransmissions. Or just hit the unsubscribe button and you’ll miss my next derailment over Nicholas Cage or Jeff Goldblum.
The move is yours.
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
Woman in the shop with 3 pounds of Pomeranian in a sling with scaly New Age buttons and garlands to adorn it: “I only feed MY dog raw food because there is dry food POISON. As an upscale pet supply, you should ONLY offer raw food. This is how dogs would eat in nature. “
Our answer: Lady, if I fed my four labs (or 370 pounds of dog) raw food I would be bankrupt sooner than all these countries with spiders the size of lawnmowers.
Let’s do the simple math:
3 pounds of Pomeranian – 3 ounces of raw vegetables / day at $ 1.80 / ounce = $ 5.40 / day = $ 162 / month
370 pounds of rennet – 123 ounces of raw food per day at $ 1.80 / ounce = $ 222 / day = $ 6,660 / month
Thanks for the tip, but what you’re saying is everyone should have small dogs.
And don’t give me “they’d eat this in nature” crap. The fact is that dogs have been domesticated and evolved with humans for 10,000 years. You would eat raw meat, live in a dark cave, and sleep with family members if you followed the advice you give me.
Do not get me wrong. I’ve seen the raw diet do some really amazing things in dogs who have digestive problems, are sensitive to certain ingredients, or lack certain enzymes / gut bacteria to break down certain proteins. I also like to mix up my dog’s diet frequently because I think it will make him healthier overall.
But to extrapolate your pretentious, half-baked helicopter ride of your precious 3-pound pup to the rest of the world is stupid.
~~ Don (not a dog)
The coal hut
You had your chance last month. We have ALL goodies, toys, calendars and collars for sale. Few of them had web orders over $ 10,000.
So this month we’re going back to our old, same old format – 4 fairly specific products that you can easily spend $ 10,000 on.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to write again about the products we have on offer. And you old-timers still remember what a horror show it was, right?
Boiler plate:
If you haven’t joined us here yet, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only offers for the month. That’s true! These specials are available for the WHOLE MONTH and EXCLUSIVELY for you – our mad newsletter getters! Of course, I’ll toss it up on Facebook in the middle of the month. And if you pass this on to people you know who bought the stuff with the codes, there would be no way we could find out. So turn!
And think of all Boothbay locals – these are not shop specials. You have to buy them on the website and come in and get them! Or I can email them to you. Or I can hand them over. Whatever you prefer, just let us know in the “order instructions” in your shopping cart.
THE NEW 
COLLAR and LEASH
Do you understand that I created this design? I personally searched the furthest corners of the internet for royalty-free clip images to use on this collar. That’s exactly how I did it with our previous collar. By the way, our old collars are on offer because we’re short of sizes and there’s only one line left. Get them before we sell them to American Pickers for $ 2.00, and they sell them for $ 4 billion.
Plus we have a billion of them and I’m getting nervous about some sort of Boothbay Harbor Dog Calendar.
23.97% OFF NEW BBH DOG COLLARS
Use voucher code: SPUTUM
>
FREE REAGAN WITH EVERY $ 10,000 WEB PURCHASE!
NOT THE FORMER PRESIDENT’S BODY
Imagine the horror of learning that you’ve bought $ 10,000 worth of things from our website in a mind-numbing, liquor-powered tamer.
Then imagine the joy, a week later, when you open a fairly large pack and a full-blown Reagan pops out ready to use.
We hired Reagan when she was banned from a traveling circus for putting too much powdered sugar on the fried dough. Now it’s your turn to support.
Every Reagan comes as a fully functioning renegade and is guaranteed to drive you insane if you really listen to her.
A few tips if you have $ 10,000 and are considering buying a Reagan:
1) She can live on foods other than ice cream and cheerios, but she doesn’t like it. She also drinks health shakes that look just awful.
2) DO NOT feed them after midnight.
3) NEVER ask her for directions.
4) DO NOT buy if you don’t like lengthy, rambling hate speech about the latest parental grounding / Reagan-involved police action.
5) Non-refundable, but I will consider an even swap of the winter tires I still have for my old ’85 Ranger, which was scrapped about 17 years ago and has been in a cocoon of pine needles in the back yard ever since.
6) Not available for in-store purchases.
WEISS WALKIE – ANTI-PULLING LEASH
I sell these every spring for the exact same betrayal that I put up for sale every spring: you guys buy a whole bunch of them.
This is the best anti-pull device I’ve ever seen. And it’s not punitive (that means “without punishment” to you fools out there).
Of course, I had a woman in my shop who said to me, “I DON’T WANT TO HALF MY DOG.” I tried to explain to her that with the same pulling force, it would be easier to cut off your dog’s head with a collar than to cut your dog in half with a white walkie. But she didn’t care what I had to say because her vacation narrative with me as a nefarious snake oil salesman trying to cut her dog in half was much more interesting.
And I know that Max looks like I’m whipping him with the leash in the second picture, but he is almost never whipped again.
Invented by canine behaviorist Emily Weiss from Maine, 100% money back guarantee, yady yady yad …..
WEISS WALKIE – 32.78% DISCOUNT
Use voucher code: CUTINHALF
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Have I ever told you the story of how I used a tick key to defend a dumpster I had slept in for over a month from a wandering gang of hobos? No? That must be because it never happened.
What happened to these little babies is that I pulled a whole load (formerly a “boat load”) of nasty ticks from furry friends and myself.
And here’s a terrible fact: the tick key pulls out the tick’s head EVERY SINGLE TIME. And it doesn’t squeeze all of the Lyme juice back into the dog like tweezers.
It’s also pretty good at being a flathead screwdriver when you are in a pinch. And defend yourself against hobos when sharpened properly.
Use voucher code: HOBODEFENSE
>
Sniffing around
The Boothbay region
MAX 14 BIRTHDAY SUNDAY 16 MAY Max has likely been to more bars and restaurants in Boothbay Harbor than you have over the past 14 years.
I am not joking. Of course, I’m not going to make a particular bar or restaurant break health regulations. But I stand behind my claim. He is a cosmopolitan dog.
We thank Max. He was the first dog Liana and I got when we got back to Maine from the west coast. And Max trained every single dog we got after him. He taught them to sit in front of dinner, not to steal the trash cans in the store, to walk off a leash and play bites.
So when you see the old man in the store, give him a little love. He will still get up and greet anyone who comes into the store when he is awake. Thank you Max. Thank you for being such a big part of our lives over these 14 years. |
2RPWCITBRLTPGAFBOBBC –or– 2 Coincidentally Individuals who correctly identify this Land Trust Preserve in the Boothbay region will receive a free bag of Bare Bites Challenge When: all of May Where: On the world famous Two Salty Dog website Do you see how I changed the title? Instead of the the first 2 peopleto correctly identify the BRLT canned food, it is 2 ACCIDENTAL people which correctly identify the BRLT reserve. That means you can guess on the last day of the month and STILL WIN. And we’re going to try again now as everyone is housebound looking for distractions and free stuff. I’ll even make it easy for you. I’m going to post a super-simple preserve. Don’t forget: If you win but are unlucky enough to be “From Away”, I’ll send this to you. Provided you give me your address. If you’re brave enough, email me your guess with: [email protected] and you could be a whole 3oz bag Naked bites richer. Click here or the photo above for a high resolution version. |
Dog blog from Max and Aug
Hi everyone whatever.
Check out whose turn it is on the blog this month – Little Donnie Kingsbury.
In the store I am constantly asked if I am contagious or if it is a congenital disease. I am asked if the chews contain “NOT RAWHIDE” rawhide. I am asked if Grampa with explosive diarrhea can use my toilet. I’m asked about all sorts of things that drive me crazier than a squirrel with syphilis.
Because of this, I decided to share my final interview and intimate thoughts with you. Also, so that YOU ALL SHUT UP AND STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS.
I’ll see you next month!
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